H.R.H. Victoria

I had to go up onto the roof last night to put an end to Arthur's railing against pastries. It was tempting to demonstrate to him the quickest route back to terra firma, but, my motherly instincts prevailed.

I received a writ today from Miss Nichols citing Eddie as the person who did most brutally murder her. She has engaged the services of the company of legal practitioners Messrs. Suethem Andrun of Whitechapel. I fear that a court case could prove damaging to our reputation, so it might be necessary to offer her 'compensation'. It would be very convenient if Miss Nichols were to 'disappear', however as she is already dead this option is somewhat redundant.

I have to go now as one of my (still extant) gardeners has just informed me of a fracas at Swiss Cottage. Apparently Bertie and Louise are "fighting like ferrets". It seems that there was a disagreement over the ownership of a pumpkin patch. Stupid children.

H.R.H. Victoria

After last night's debacle with Arthur and the malevolent pastry, the issuance of a writ against Eddie, the fisticuffs between Bertie and Louise and the arrival of Miss Chapman I have had a most pleasant day. Nobody has detonated high explosives, no more murder victims have arrived, there has been no more chicken wrestling and all is well with the world.

It is at a time like this that I like to reflect upon the nature of the world. The world which all of you inhabit, that of the plebians, is filled with ill kempt, uncouth, obnoxious scallywags, and you're poor. We on the other hand are rich, that's it really.

Whilst travelling through the centre of my realm (why isn't it called a 'Queendom'?), the area referred to as the Black Country, I am forced to draw the curtains in the carriage of the royal train in order that my sensibilities not be offended by the sight of the hovels in which you live, could you not try just a little harder?. A few statues, some landscape gardening, a flag tower here and there would be nice. Is it really so difficult?.

I have to go now as the spat between Bertie and Louise has taken an unexpected turn. Louise has thrown down her gauntlet and a duel is to be fought on the terrace. As the challenged Bertie has the right to choose weapons, he has chosen rapiers, a serious error of judgement I fear, he will end up looking like a colander. Stupid boy.

H.R.H. Victoria

As predicted the duel between Bertie and Louise was short lived but pleasingly tenacious, Bertie does indeed now resemble a kitchen utensil. It would seem that Louise's years of wielding a paintbrush has given her a considerable advantage in the disciplines of thrusting and slashing.

We have always known that Bertie is to put it kindly an idiot, but even by his standards taking on Louise was an act of the most stultifying incompetence. Mr. Darwin claims that we are descended from apes, in Bertie's case he may have a point.

This evening myself and dear Albert intend to visit the beach where we will dance beneath a diamond sky, to the accompaniment of a string quartet. If ANYBODY blows up ANYTHING, if ANYBODY murders ANYONE there will be hell to pay!.

H.R.H. Victoria

He's done it again, little bastard!. This evening a woman called Elizabeth Stride arrived to claim that she too, yes.........she too, was most brutally murdered by my grandson Eddie. What is wrong with this boy?.

To murder one prostitute might be considered an error of judgement, to murder two an exhibition of misplaced enthusiasm, but three?. That is redolent of complete indifference to our standing in the affections of the country.

God!. What did I do to deserve this?. Apparently you have a saying now "you can choose your friends but not your family". Oh, thank you very much, that's very enlightening, I would never have guessed that was the case.

I have to go now as I am going to get drunk and shoot someone. Stupid people.

H.R.H. Victoria

Myself and dear Albert are not speaking, due to my having shot him last night. I was aiming for Bertie, useless boy moved. At present Albert has shut himself away in his study and is playing mournful tunes upon his harmonium.

The vicissitudes of marriage and parenthood are weighing heavily upon me at the moment, so I think that I will travel to London tomorrow and spend a very great amount of money on trinkets, that always makes me feel better.

I have to go now as Albert's musical interlude is causing my dogs to howl. Stupid dogs.