H.R.H. Victoria

Today I have learned that dear Osborne is now being cared for on a daily basis by someone called English Heritage (and his minions), a most peculiar name, but one which does have a pleasingly patriotic tone. However I should like to meet Mr. Heritage as there some issues of which he needs to be apprised.

For example, regarding the desirability and social standing of those admitted to Osborne, there is to be:

1. NOBODY FROM EAST COWES.
2. No tykes or repugnant children.
3. No pregnant women, such an undignified and cumbersome condition.
4. No poor people.
5. Nobody with an unrefined accent.
6. No lawyers, damnable charlatans.
7. No bald people, a most unseemly fashion.
8. Nobody called Gladstone.
9. No Fenians.
10. No murdered prostitutes.

People whose admittance is desired and welcomed will be comprised of:

1. Rich people.
2. Those with a pleasing countenance.
3. Those with at least two surnames.
4. People called Disraeli.
5. People who hate corgis.
6. People who give me expensive presents.
7. Dwarves, it makes a change to see the top of someone's head.
8. People who can trace their lineage back further than an encounter in a cow shed.
9. Plumbers, can't find one anywhere.
10. People with a disposition for grovelling.

I realise of course that this might limit the number of those admitted but surely it's worth it in order to enhance the ambience?.

I will see what Mr. Heritage has to say when I meet him. I have summoned him to attend upon me at his earliest convenience, which of course will be at my convenience.

I have to go now as the gentleman from the East Cowes Fenian Association has just fallen past my window. Stupid Fenian.